I wake most mornings with a heavy heart, and for a moment, I can't quite figure out why. While I slept, I had forgotten what was going on in the world, and then like a smack in the face, I remember we are in the midst of unfathomable times. I try to keep the usual morning routine. Coffee first, feed animals, journal, check FB, shower, and begin my workday. Here is where my day tries to unravel. The resistance to dive into my work has been a daily battle in my world as a solopreneur. That resistance is now reinforced by all the emotions that flood my soul with rapid speed as I try to balance them out.
I'm okay, and I'm not okay. I am scared, I am worried. What ifs fill my mind in a hundred different ways. One moment I'm filled with gratitude for how fortunate I am and the next moment paralyzed by fear of the unknown. So many unknowns. Despair then hits, and my heart hurts. I cannot wrap my head around the magnitude of people across the globe that are being impacted in devastating and unimaginable ways, and I feel helpless. I think of all of the essential workers, each a hero in my eyes, as they brave this invisible enemy every day. Many are my family, friends, and colleagues. Guilt creeps in as I sit in the comfort of my home, safe, with everything I need. There is not a person I talk to who is not, to some degree, also riding these waves of emotion. I have seen many social media posts of others struggling with their feelings as well. We are genuinely in uncharted waters and, our navigation systems are questionable.
So what do we do?
We get up, we show up and do what we can each day. Maybe some days just getting out bed is all we can do. This is a time to give ourselves some mercy and take care of ourselves in ways we may never have. Rest when we need rest, cry if we need to cry and if we are sorrowful, acknowledge it, nurture it, love it, and then let it be. We must remain hopeful and take the time to see what we do have to be grateful for, no matter how small. And, most importantly, it is crucial that we continue to hold each other up.
So much feels out of our control, and life, as we know it, has changed. I know it has for me. What is grounding me right now is knowing that I am not in this alone. Literally, the entire world is going through this with me, with us. Knowing this is also what brings me hope because I know that together, we will overcome it. Nobody knows for sure how long this will last, but what I do know for sure is that none of us will get to the other side of it unchanged, and maybe, just maybe, that is not a bad thing.
So, this is my take away after day nineteen of staying home and riding my personal roller coaster of emotions. I cannot change world events, or the economy, or politics or stop the pandemic. What I can change is the way I choose to view things, how I feel about them, and how I use my time and resources amid uncertainty. I've figured out that I am not completely helpless, and I can be a helper in my own way. And, as far as the flood of emotions goes? Well, they have actually taught me a lot about myself and have become my guides. I am paying attention to them, feeling them, and questioning them, and so far, they have opened my eyes and heart to what is truly important to me in the thing called life. I remind myself that everything and anything in our lives can be perceived as good or bad based on the label I give it. So for now, I've decided to lose the labels and instead become curious about what this experience has to teach me.
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